the long dirty road has wheels printed into it and buildings jutting from its sides, cars stopping completely, submissive to all the too-bright light. it's freezing but i feel okay, i feel whole. i feel like i could step outside of myself and the numbness of it all wouldn't let anything touch me. the essence of me. the idea of me.
you wait for me under the street signs with your heeled shoes and too much black smeared around your eyes. it makes you look sad but maybe you want to look sad i don't really know. your hugs feel like a mother's. we're going to a party, some great musician's with golden toilets in his loft that likes prostituted girls like you and maybe a guy like me at his house because we're warm and smudged, the unreadable, undetectable ink. you don't even talk to me, you just hold my arm like a child with your skinny legs steering me the rightest way
we get there, we finally get there, and i decide i want to be mindless, breathless drunk all for the fun of it while you go to the bathroom and feel classy with your needles tucked in your skin, pumping nice heroin out of your brown paper bag and into your red veins.
you say you'll be right back but you won't be right back and i keep thinking about how you don't know me, you don't even know my favorite color or that i have a little brother who is sixteen and likes to be in rehab and do heroin just like you. it's just kind of sad, nothing else but sad. it's the only word for me today and drinking feels nice, like burning my insides for pleasure is that what it feels like to be a prostitute honey oh it must feel good. i just like to drink again and again and see blurry people and not know them.
it feels warm inside and even though i'm still alone it's nice least to see all these people in love with parties and each other all at once like me i'm in love with you i think
please come back from the bathroom i hate being so foggy and it's so warm that it's hot and that's when i take off my shirt and sit in a chair and see some girl with black eyes like you pour gin on my shoulder by accident or on purpose i don't know but she giggles and and and i don't really know what to do because she kisses me and i taste her sadness
you're prettier than her to me honey don't worry but
why would you worry
i'm the worried one aren't i
it's just so funny because i'm always worried about you but you hate yourself too much to see it
i remember one time you told me you hated drugs and they were self-disrespectable destructable or fuck, something, the highest form of self-hatred i asked you why you did them and you just smiled your scared crooked empty drugged smile and i realized you just hated yourself that much
i was drunk i think i started laughing and so did you i'm sorry
this girl i'm kissing smells like muddled cigarettes and depression. i push her away a little but she just looks at me with eyes almost as sad as yours and leans in again but i feel so bad i can't kiss her i love you to death
i finally just stand and let her slip slowly onto the floor and into the corner gently but blood starts streaming out of her mouth and i don't know what to do. she starts coughing and coughing and i hold her up and i see blood on the floor she's coughing up blood oh god and suddenly it's like no one's here, only ghosts, they don't see her or me or maybe you but i don't even know where you are. she's shaking like i'm freezing cold am i really that cold why didn't you tell me?
that's when all this blood starts pouring out of her, soaking me and my back and the floor of this whole damn loft and people are laying in her blood but they just don't care. we're invisible i feel tears on my face and she just keeps coughing. she never stops looking at me, though, never. suddenly she stops, i hold my breath, think she's okay but then i look at her and see no inhale-exhale, no breath in or out or anywhere at all. i feel her back and check her pulse
it occurs to me she's not here anymore, she coughs and she's gone just like that but her eyes keep staring at me. oh god. oh god. oh god.
i don't even know i'm screaming until someone grabs my arms i just can't stop looking at her and all that blood oh shit oh god
but there's this guy looking at me, holding my arms, and he says "what the hell is wrong with you, man?" i can't believe it there's this girl dead and he thinks i'm crazy but when i look back she's gone. she's gone, there's no blood, not one drop, no kisses, no eyes.
that's when i start to wonder if you're even real 'cause she's not and i'm not so maybe you're not
i've figured it all out honey
it's so simple tonight but
tomorrow we'll exist again
and it will happen, all over.
one big circle of us, in love with
i'm so empty