darling, i can't smile

walking through broken cities had always been my favorite past time. i used to dream of fixing them all up and adorning them with rosebuds and new red bricks, and to carry away the ashes with the wind. now they're like wastelands and there is not a thing i can do with my own two hands to make life better. i can't even make my own life better. i used to dream of hope that sprouted forth from some little seed in my skull. that seed... it died. i will confess to you, i am not good at anything at all.

that night when you burrowed away into the earth to get as far from me as you ever could,

_{i died.}

i guess you knew. you never came back.

and while you're underground all through December, darling, i am walking like a turned zombie. you are planning life and you will help grow millions of plants and flowers to burst through the cracked concrete of all those broken cities. all i can do is grow an unimpressive beard and pretend to walk like i can hurt someone. i never could. you see, if those men that stared at me in the streets knew that i sat in an alley and cried and cried most every night they would knife me right when they saw my tear-streaked face. so much depends on a person looking very angry with the world to get the others to back away. it's all just a useless fight. you wouldn't know. i do not expect you to. you are doing what i always dreamed of, aislinn.

did you know? i have no home. not anymore.

as much as i want you to come crawling back out of the ground like the walking dead so we would be zombies together, i know that will not happen. i loved you but i just could not give you everything. i am dirt and you are the vines that sprout from me. i am there to raise you up and sustain you for a while, but then you're cut and you go back underground and i can't feel you any more. darling, i know you are not coming back. i am okay with that, really.

_{i am not well but still i survive. that is more than some can say.}

this is the last letter i will write to you. i know you will never read this.

that's okay.

just know if you ever need me i'll be right here in these broken cities, and when i see a white December flower i will think of you and whisper your name _{aislinn aislinn aislinn} and maybe you would be there.

but i guess the truth is that i am talent less and alone, where i will be until my body fails me.

_{i love you. but please, please, please never reach the surface again.}